Seeing as I have been left stuck waiting till Far Cry 3’s release on the 30th (an injustice that will not go unpunished), I have been left with little to write. I am also running out of cigarettes so a distraction is imperative. Knowing that Far Cry 3 is preparing a buffed up multiplayer feature, I felt it my duty to prepare those, keen on dabbling in the online festivities, with a list of past experiences in the field. I am nothing if not a humanitarian.
So here is a list of what I have learned from todays “Modern Day Shooter” titles. May it prepare to sufficiently.
The world of the first person shooter is one in turmoil and panic, a seemingly endless enemy runs into you field of view as you release round after round of phallic pent up aggression. You may run into a number of different nationalities on the battlefield, there seems to be a trend.
Russians are a treacherous people and are born without faces. Given the chance, they will deploy frightful acts of violence against beloved America: The friend of the universe.
Asians can be from all over, Asia itself is a pretty big place. We understand that there are different countries that are rich with their own cultures and may have nothing to do with each other. In the world of the modern day shooter we don’t have time to remember that because there are choppers to get to and jets to plow into the ground.
“Faggot” is a term used online by gamers to address those who play better than them. I, in turn, have taken this colloquial greeting to heart by regularly addressing my superiors as such and would advise you to do the same.
“Noob” or sometimes “Newb” is an endearing term used to make a newcomer feel welcome, if you see someone that is clearly in the early days of learning to play the modern day shooter, let them know you care by asking how “noob” they are, then offering them some general tips like un-installing.
An example of how you can fit right in would be, “Hey Noob, I’m a bit of a Faggot on these servers as you can see with my big scores, stick with me and we can save freedom together.”
“Gangnam Style” is the best song ever written in the history of history. I know this because 12 year old boys tell me so over the voice chat system before breaking into song. It is good to see the spirit of musical theatre alive in our youth.
Usernames, such as, GamerBabe, SexySamurai69 and IamAGirlLoveMeAndDontCallMeAFagYouTotalyHaveAShotWithMeTheWholeServerKnowsIt, are predominantly owned by obese, 40 year old men who attempt to gain favour from fellow gamers. This is done in order to a) Get away with vicious, unorthodox gameplay or b) secure midnight visits to abandoned parking lots for “ice cream and fun time”.
Players can expect to engage in a variety of topics though the in game chat screen. Some of the most popular topics include the works of George Bernard Shaw, Thomas Hobb’s theories on the “Social Contract” and the detailing’s of your mother’s sexual relations with every other player on the server.
Defibrillators solve all battlefield ailments from ouchies and booboos to missing limbs and sniper bullets lodged squarely in the base of the skull.
Fighter jets have the manoeuvring capabilities of a small, dried leaf floating aloft within the eye of a small cyclone. All enlisted military men can pilot jets without prior training and run no risk of legal unpleasantries when crashing these million dollar machines in order to reach the “higher spots” for sniping.
Bullets to the chest do less damage than a knife to the big toe.
Planting claymores is a great way to make virtual buddies. The server will stop to admire your skills as a player and honour you as the online demi-god that you, so rightly, are.
That is the end. I have cigarettes again. As always, your own experiences are welcomed in the comment section. They will serve to educate the weak and feeble, i.e., the inexperienced in online warfare. For knowing is half the battle.
Matty D soldiers through the modern world of shooting and chat services online, but offline he is the premiere coverage of gaming events such as rAge Expo in South Africa and the E3 Dance off boogaloo.
Now that Matt has prepared you for the world of the modern day shooter you can get your copy of Black Ops 2 or Battlefield 3 through GameFanShop.