Firstly. Are you 18? No? 16?… 13? Good enough. Younger than 13? Where are your parents? Not looking over your shoulder? How irresponsible! Go and find one of them now (unless you don’t have any, awkward) and get them to read this article first to ascertain whether it’s suitable for your innocent child like eyes.
See what I did there? Released myself (at least in my mind completely void of legitimate legal knowledge) of all liability and future prosecution. Swoosh. Moving on.
It has been two weeks since Part 1 of Games and Girlfriends and hopefully by this stage some of you will have cleaned up your act slightly. Some of you might have even taken the advice to heart and approached a girl to ask on a date.
If the first date was a success but you’ve been avoiding her and desperately waiting for the second instalment of this article, you’re a fool. But do not fear! The time has arrived for the second instalment of ‘Games and Girlfriends’, where I shall focus upon the intricate game of deceit that is played when bringing a girl home.
I was originally going to write on how to play the first date to assure you get a second, but have decided I shouldn’t need to do all the work here. If you feel you do need advice in this area jump on Google and look up something called ‘The Game’. It’ll turn you into a narcissistic pig, but other than that has some really good strategies for brain washing women to sleep with you… can I say that?
Let’s pull this potential law suit back on topic. Bringing the girl home. I’m going to assume you’ve been on a few dates, participating in good wholesome fun. This is all good and fine but you’re a man, damn it! You have needs. Needs that involve pants-lessness.
While wearing a toga is a short term solution, it just won’t keep you satisfied in the long term. So what is the best way to take the relationship to the next step? The decent answer is to invite this respectable lady over to your house. There is no better weapon in the arsenal of seduction (for some reason that sentence brings to mind racks of whips and assorted plastic devices…) than the home-cooked dinner.
Nothing can compete. Not flowers, not a horse and carriage, not even five litres (that’s 1.32 gallons, for you backwards Yanks) of chocolate body paint topped off with candy underwear.
Chocolate body paint is like her underwear. Sexy on her. Creepy on you.
There is nothing sexier to a member of the female race than a man who keeps a nice home, can cook a good meal and knows what wine is. Except maybe muscles and money… But if you don’t have them lying around, go with the home cooking plan.
Because the human brain loves lists, I have focused on four main concerns when bringing that special lady home: cleanliness, deceit, what to cook and the solution to living at home.
Cleanliness vs. Chaos
There are two type of people in this world. The first type is those that enjoy a neat lifestyle full of labels, folders and general organisation. Their living areas are accordingly tidy and aesthetically pleasing to the female species.
The second is those that prefer to live in a swirling chaos of their own filth; their house is a vortex that attracts items that would make reasonable members of humanity feel ill. The floor is hidden beneath a layer of dirty clothes and what looks like the remains of an animal sacrifice to whatever heathen gods this individual no doubt worships.
Women very rarely choose to live this way. Nine out of ten (a number I made up just then) girls are in that group that don’t appreciate having to walk past buckets of their own excrement to get to the fridge. Unreasonable? Possibly. Surprising? I very much hope not.
Those females that don’t mind a bit of clutter do exist, but their embarrassment at their own messiness constantly consumes them and they’ll be even more attracted to a guy that knows what a vacuum cleaner is, as they’ll feel like he can save them from their own shame. Welcome to Female Psychology 101. It’s frightening.
You disgust me. Keep cleaning!
Now I’m not suggesting you go on some kind of cleaning rampage. I do believe however it’s reasonable to suggest you spend an hour of your time to clean your place up. One hour. Think of all the other things you’ve done with an hour. Then think of what some cleaning might lead to you doing for an hour.
Are we on the same wavelength? Good. Grab a sponge. The following is a list of what needs to be done in descending order of importance. Work down until you hit that hour then give up. You’re only human.
- Clean Bed Sheets
- Clean hair and grime from bathroom
2 Clean towels (as well as a hand towel… go purchase one of these)
Clean kitchen bench where food is being prepared
If you’re like me, you like to live somewhere on the edge between these two polar opposites of living. You enjoy the tidiness and ease of living that goes with organisation but apathy can oft take hold and then chaos takes its chance to wreak havoc upon your living space.
Feel free to live like a pig when judgemental eyes are elsewhere but when a lady is entering your man-cave, open a window, put stuff away and let them think you’re better than an animal. Just remember. With the end objective of the night being your bed, ensure you’ve got clean sheets. This is numeral uno on things to do. Speaking of sheets.
The Art of Deceit
While I, and you, think Star Wars sheets are awesome, any member of the opposite gender does not. This is their fault, not ours, but it is still something we must cater for if we’re ever going to get them out of their clothes. This goes for all number of nerd/geek memorabilia you have strewn across your house.
But fear not. These measures are only required until you have the female firmly within your sweaty grasp. Once they’re not going to instantly run away you can start introducing small bits of nerdy goodness. In the meantime it’s time to perpetuate, what I like to call, the ‘normal image’.
You may be extremely proud of your two-metre (that’s like, a bunch of feet, I think. Learn the Metric system you barbarians!) high stack of XBox games. And you’ve got your limited edition collection of Batman statuettes placed just right on the shelf above your collection of Sci-fi/Fantasy board games.
But the sad truth is that women don’t understand the greatness of these things. Quite the opposite. The above examples scream: “I have no idea what I’m doing in bed.” This is not the image we’re trying to cultivate.
The solution is not to get rid of these things. They make us who we are. The solution is to hide them and lie like only a politician could. Misdirection and downplaying are your best friends here.
Firstly the misdirection. Grab all your nerd stuff and secrete it away when she comes over for the first time. Put the gaming magazines underneath that one issue of Men’s Health you stole from the cafeteria at work. Move the comic book costumes from the last ten Halloweens to the back of your cupboard behind that one leather jacket you burrowed from your friend. Take any DVD’s with the words ‘star’ or ‘men’ in the title out of your DVD cabinet. Except for maybe ‘Madmen’, this can only help at this point.
She will never love you like I do
Secondly, the downplaying for the things you can’t hide. If she mentions that you’ve got a lot of screens on your computer, you tell her you found it on the sidewalk, and it makes movies better. When she asks about the Lord of the Rings replica swords on your wall, tell her they’re antiques from some dead relative in the military.
Ultimately she will query the usefulness of the six foot storm trooper replica standing in the middle of your lounge room. That’s when you cut her down! Call her an ignorant swine and go to sleep next to your Storm Trooper because she stormed (see what I did there?) out.
There are some things that can’t be forgiven.
Now that your house is in some kind of presentable fashion, it’s time to work out the whole cooking part of this home-cooked meal date you’re trying to pull off. There are many ways this could go very wrong.
- She’s a vegetarian and you cook a pig on a spit
- You don’t know how to use the stove and burn the house down
- You undercook the chicken and the both of you spend the night throwing up
The key to success is research and preparation. Look up recipes on the net, practice cooking the planned meal and then talk to your Mum about why it tasted like ass. Go for something simple.
Meat is easy, especially something like a roast. You put some stuff on it, you put it in the over for the specified time, you take it out. BAM! You just cooked a roast.
Even if the meal isn’t fantastic she will be impressed by the simple fact that you tried to cook. Make sure you’ve got some vegetables to go with that roast, these also simply go in the oven with some oil, and you can’t go far wrong.
For desert I have a particular favourite that I learnt off my sister, who just happens to be a French pastry chef. It’s a self saucing chocolate pudding. While the roast will impress her, some chocolate pudding will make her melt.
Add in a bottle of wine (check if she’s a red or white drinker first), real ladies don’t drink rum and coke, and the night should progress fantastically. Be sure to make dramatic flourishes in the kitchen, put a tea towel over your shoulder, use large knives. It’s culinary foreplay (patent pending!).
A couple of hours invested in the kitchen and at the dining room table will do wonders for what’s hopefully to come.
Toss that salad. This is porn for women, don’t question it.
There are two other main benefits to a home cooked dinner-date that I haven’t mentioned. Firstly it is cheap, much cheaper than a restaurant. Secondly and far more importantly (unless you’re a cheap bastard/uni student) is that you’re in the perfect position for retiring to the bedroom.
There are no awkward questions about whether she/or you wants to come in for ‘coffee’ at the end of a date. No concerns about transportation. If she drove to your place and has since consumed half a bottle of wine, it would in fact be irresponsible of you to let her drive home.
But Wait, You live at home
According to the Bureau of Statistics, 40% of men are still living with their parents at the age of 23. Once you recover from the shock of seeing a reputable reference on this website, you’ll come to the realisation that this percentage is probably proportionally higher for men who list their favourite pastimes as role-playing, gaming and making yearly pilgrimages to Comic-Con.
Hence I’m going to at least assume that a portion of people reading this still live at home and if not, are almost definitely living with housemates.
This makes the whole scenario a bit tricky, but not impossible. Parentals are easily dispatched. No. Not with a hatchet, but with a couple of movie tickets… that can only be used that night.
For $30 you have not only gotten rid of them for the night (at least until you’re retired to the bedroom) but they think you’re giving them a wonderful gift. You’re scoring points left, right and centre. Siblings can be a far more challenging prospect. The little, or big shits would no doubt love nothing more than to stick around and ruin your date.
Here’s my solution. If they’re eighteen years or older, hopefully they have something better to do. If not, set up a fake facebook event and invite them to a non-existent party an hours drive away. They’ll get the joke eventually.
If they’re younger than eighteen simply buy them a six pack of beer and tell them to grab some of their friends and go drink at the local park. This may not seem moral, or even legal, but that’s for the courts to decide.*
If they’re much younger I’m sure you can convince your parents to take them along. It’s not a hard choice between ruining either your or your parents’ romantic night. They’re old. Their marriage has probably been loveless for years.
With the house to yourself, a roast in the oven, your collection of replica lightsabers hidden in your underwear draw and the house free of filth, you’re ready to entertain a lady. All you have to rely upon now is your winning smile and irresistible charm.
Once all of the wooing is said and done it’s really just down to you making the move. You’ve gone to all this trouble so don’t wimp out now. You’re the man. This is your role in life. Get in there! Good luck.
So let me know how you go! Feel free to share you success or failure with the world in the comments section below or contact me personally for any other questions on love at firstname.lastname@example.org.
*Non Fiction Gaming does not condone underage drinking. This statement was meant in jest and in no way implies that alcohol should be supplied to minors… not much anyway.